I used to think that I had screwed up my whole life. Living at a transitional living center for homeless people didn't help that feeling go away. I was receiving great help at that place, including safe housing, counseling, case management, and other support, but I was still living among other formerly homeless people, many of whom have grave mental illnesses and substance abuse problems. So it's not surprising that I spent most of my time holed up in my bedroom, strolling around the internet, eating too much, ruminating on where my life went wrong. I spent a lot of time wondering if the major clinical depression was to blame, or if I was just lazy and flawed.
My case manager repeatedly suggested - practically begged - for me to go outside, chat with the other residents, get to know people. Get to know those frightening crazy weirdoes? You're kidding, right? but one night I was desperate enough to take his advice. I slowly ambled over to the deck where the smokers hang out, and introduced myself.
I think they were as uncertain about me as I was uncertain about them. After some initial social awkwardness, we started chatting, and I found my words being aimed at and responded to by the same person, a shy but amiable man about my age. When I noticed that his shoelace was untied, instead of telling him, I just grabbed his foot, set it on my knee, and tied it. Evidently that impulsive gesture intrigued him and our conversation deepened. We found that we shared similar interests in music, culture, and most importantly, movies...we made an arrangement to watch our mutually favorite movie, "The Shawshank Redemption," in his room the following evening.
A few movies later, that man changed his Facebook status to "In a Relationship," and I followed suit a few days later. I got some flack from people, mostly people related to me, about how fast our relationship was moving. But after spending 43 years of my life wasting time being alone, running away form love, from men, from happiness, I was ready to trade in my life for a better model, and I've never made a better decision.
Every day with Jarrod is a new experience of slightly scary, mild discomfort as I do things and say things I've never done or said before. Everything he has led me through, he has done so gently, and every suggestion he has made, even the ones I rejected at first, I ended up loving. My life is our life now, and when we get out of this transitional living center, we'll be able to share a living space that is truly our own, spending our nights as well as our days together, making a fuller life together.
